Thousand Yard Stare

This post can also be found on http://journeyon.net.

Do the people you surround yourself with tell you hard things?  And what about you?  Are you a friend, or just a fan?

Allow me to contrast a couple stories.

There were a few friends with whom my wife Miranda and I used to spend a lot of time. We enjoyed hanging out and going to barbecues, ballgames, and parties together. But when it came to dysfunction in the relationships, which was clearly visible even on the surface, nothing was to be said (at least not directly to one another. . .gossip was permitted).

One night over dinner an issue arose with a few of these friends. As gently as I could, I asked a question about someone’s behavior, and my question turned out to be a litmus test. The results were hardly surprising. We’ve only seen them a handful of times since. We were free to talk intimately so long as it was positive and not challenging.

We weren’t friends. We were just a fan club.

Contrast that story with this example from my marriage. The other night Miranda and I were riding in the car when she asked me, “Do you think I help you enough?” I asked what she meant. She said, “I mean do I do a good job of challenging you to be a better person?”

 Her comment was also a litmus test.

Miranda is not concerned with being in my fan club. She is concerned with making me a better man, and she knows the two are different. Miranda was also inviting me to help her by opening herself up to honest feedback and displaying humility. She doesn’t just want to challenge me; she’s inviting me right there to challenge her.

What’s implied in this exchange is something deeper, not easily swayed, and replete with the kind of peace and rest that comes from trust. She models this peace for me, and in doing so, she doesn’t just test the sinews of our relationship – she invests in and strengthens them.

It is this kind of relationship I desire. Yet for whatever reasons — be it fear, distrust or a lack of belief in others’ desire for the same — we choose fan clubs over deep friendships.

What is the difference in real terms between true friends and mere fans?  Friends will challenge you and keep you honest.  Fans show unbiased support, even if they know they shouldn’t.

The roots of true friendship grow deeply.  They have to be watered regularly and thoroughly to keep the roots strong so that when storms come, they are not easy swayed.  Care and depth keep them strong in the face of hardships.  On the other hand, fans keep things on the surface so that when things get tough, they can slip away or offer easy advice.  Because the relationship of fans is shallow, it doesn’t take much to maintain the status quo. 

Leadership means confronting problems.  Leaders don’t settle. They want to see things grow and deepen. It is often the leader’s job to say the hard thing. Consider the example of my wife again. Part of how she displayed leadership qualities in that story was in her courage to take the hard first step of confronting an issue on her heart. What made it sing was the context of trust between us.

People need you to invest more deeply in them. Your friends need your courage to lean into hard conversations and difficult situations with both truth and grace. And often they will need you to start by inviting them to challenge you — just like Miranda did with me.

Proverbs 27:6: “Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy.”